Wow, so I realized that I hardly EVER post anymore, and that I'm the hugest lurk because I've read your guy's livejournals ever since I stopped posting in my own! Even though I don't post comments, I always read your stuff.
So I guess I'll do a major-life-update entry. But forgive my grammatical errors. I'm not going back for edits.
So recently the major things/worries that I'm going to talk about are college, Kairos, Jose, balance, and work.
Before I start everything I'd also like to talk about my birthday. So I still have not done anything for my birthday, which means that Arielle, Lindsay and Michelle, you were not left out of any party or celebration. When I finally have the time to plan an event, I'll make sure to tell you guys, ok?
Now let's get down to business.
I really don't like the whole college decision process. I didn't get into either UCSD or SDSU, which basically leaves me with CSULB and CSULA as my choices. I'm taking Long Beach, which everyone says is a good school, but I'm afraid they're just trying to make me feel better. I'm disappointed that I didn't get into SD, but I'm more disappointed in myself for not applying to more than four colleges and giving myself more choices. I also hate thinking about how far everyone is scattering. It's scary to think about how we're now adults. There's no more 'when I grow up,' because we are 'grown-up' and that's horribly scary to think about.
Kairos and living the 4th:
Leading Kairos was one of the best experiences of my life. Before the meetings and training and actual Kairos, I really wanted to lead because I felt like it would be fun. I didn't really understand the deeper meaning of leading, how close the leaders get, how much you learn about yourself, how much you learn about others, and how much you grow on the journey to becoming a better leader. But now that I look back at it, I really needed to lead Kairos. Leading made me a better person, helped me to realize things about myself to make me a better person, and helped me to be more comfortable with myself. As selfish as it all sounds, I really needed to lead to realize how people feel about me and how I do make an impact on people's lives.
I guess you can say that I've always fought with insecurities. I could/can always pinpoint everything that makes me a bad person and everything that I would do away with if I had the chance, but I could never really think about good things about myself. And then I complained about how nobody knew me. I work so hard to conceal my real self from the public, that I didn't think about the fact that I don't give people the chance to actually know me. I lie constantly about what I like and what I'm alright with, I agree with everyone instead of arguing just to make sure I don't cause a fight (the more I argue with a person, the more comfortable I feel with them), and I always put up this happy mask without talking about what really bothers me. I guess that's why I've always liked online journals. I can actually talk about my problems when I can't do that in person (which makes me think back to what Tim used to tell Kelsey about how I complain so much...but that was a LONG time ago and the sad thing about not updating livejournal anymore is that you guys [and people like Tim] haven't had the chance to see how I've changed since Freshman year).
So I've shielded people from actually knowing my true self because I've never been comfortable with who I really am. But Kairos helped me to realize the good things about myself and that I really do make an impact on people's lives. Through my talk, I was able to actually talk about what I haven't really fully talked about with anyone (my aunt issue in junior year) and actually show that I'm a real person who doesn't always live a perfectly happy life. People generally saw me as "Hana's friend." Several people told me that they never knew who I was, just that they always saw me with Hana, and now people know me. And it's great because now I can be comfortable with myself, because I know that people actually like me. That sounds terrible, but being someone who generally gets forgotten, I need some reassurances sometimes.
Also through Kairos, I got to really get to know my leading team, people I've always known but not actually known. It was so great to be a part of a team and support others and receive support and all of this sounds really stupid, I know, but it just made a huge impact on who I am. I'm able to come out of my shell a bit more now.
Ugh. So I don't know how much I've talked about him, if I have at all, so I'll try to summarize. Jose and I were friends in middle school, and have had on and off crushes on each other since Freshman year. Last summer we got really close and liked each other but he wouldn't tell me and I wouldn't tell him and he didn't ask me out and then he got a girlfriend when school started. So then we kind of stopped talking when senior year started because, well, senior year started and we were busy. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend until winter break, when we again got really close. We hung out a bunch and talked every night online. Then he told me he liked me (and I obviously liked him too) and somehow it was decided that he wasn't going to break up with his girlfriend and we weren't going to do anything either (because duh, he has a girlfriend) and whatever. So now I'm battling feelings for him, knowing that he likes me, but also knowing that he won't choose me over his girlfriend. It's really immature and stupid but since I'm living it, it seems so much more important than it really is. I get really worked up about it, and think about it constantly, and we're really good friends. But I still can't get over the fact that I feel like we're meant to be together, and he's taken by some sophomore at his school. So the whole thing points at me being in the wrong, and I know I am, so I literally threw my feelings for him into the fire at Kairos, and now I'm working on keeping my feelings for him to strictly friendly.
I'm just having a hard time balancing everything. Enough said.
I got a job at IHOP in the Torrance Crossroads Center! I'm start training tomorrow (I'm going to be a waitress, which has always been one of my crazy dreams). I'm SOOO excited! So once I'm trained and know what I'm doing, you should come and visit me!
Ooooook. So that was really long, and to prevent this, I'll try to update more. Comments, concerns? Talk to me.